Porn With a Plot

Nobody likes being the third wheel, especially when you know you’re going to be the third wheel to your best friend’s date with/polite-hang-out-before-fucking a porn star.  However, considering the novelty of the notion and the amount of blow that Drama teasingly tempted me with in efforts to coax me into enduring such torture, I felt very much obliged to attend.  If I’m lucky, maybe she’ll let me do some lines off her tits.  Just a thought.  Waiting at Drama’s while he gets ready,

Me: *after contemplating how the universe works and convincing myself that I need to start practicing The Secret more* So Drama I’ve decided: I’m manifesting a one-night-stand for the night *very pleased with my cosmic request and demand*

Drama: *turning away from the mirror to face me* Aww honey…I’m so proud of you! 

Me: *blushing at how proud I too am* Hehe I know!  So lemme get some condoms man…

Drama: *walking over to his nightstand and pulling out a handful* Here love, I hope you put em to good use tonight! *tossing them in my direction*

Me: No don’t HOPE cuz I WILL!

After leaving Drama’s to go put away my new goodies, I decide to put on my zip-up black and gold spandex snakeskin dress (I’m now realizing that the last four words I typed should never be used in the same sentence…) while rocking my black lace crotchless panties underneath; if I’m going to manifest a one-night-stand I have to dress as if it’s already going down by making it easier for someone to go down on me.  Convinced at and content with how hot I look, I sit down at my laptop to google the porn star I’d be standing next to for tonight.  Her images loading and plastering my screen, I sit and stare at a woman of about 5’7 with triple H tits and an ass on which I could set a Thanksgiving feast!  Holy shit EACH ONE of her tits is bigger than my head (literally, too, I’m not exaggerating in the least)!  I’m pretty sure the whole club could each do a line of coke off ONE of her tits AT THE SAME TIME!  With a momentary slight surge of insecurity rushing through my body, I look down at my A-cup tits and cup-and-lift them in my hands to see if I could possibly fit ANY lines on them.  Hmm…maybe if I’m lucky, just one, one line on each!  Shrugging it off and convincing myself that I wouldn’t want a boob job anyway (most women in LA have platinum blonde hair and fake tits with the same exact body…I happen to love that I’m 4’11, brown, black-haired, and have teeny tiny titties to set me apart from the rest), I pack my clutch with my keys and condoms, step into my stilettos, and head back to Drama’s.

Opening the door, I can hear the sound of a baby crying.  What the fuck?  Scandal’s smiling salaciously on the couch with a look of “ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!” and Drama’s in the bathroom.  In Drama’s bedroom are two very beautiful ladies, one of which is Porn Star and the other is her make-up artist, and in the far corner is (yup you guessed it!) a BABY.  “HEY DOLL!” Drama shouts out at me as he pops out of the bathroom, his eyes wide with excitement (and from obvious preemptive coke use) and a huge grin of glee on at the thought he’s non-verbally conveying: SHE BROUGHT HER FUCKING BABY!  It’s amazing what thoughts can be shared and what conversations can be held with just one look between two good friends.  This is how our conversation in that split second gaze can translate to:

Drama: She brought her fucking baby!  This shit could not get anymore ridiculous!

Me: HELLO WHAT THE FUCK SHE BROUGHT HER FUCKING BABY?!  Drama…you must be loving this shit right now.

Drama: I know…only me! 

Me: This is why we’re friends.  You are the only person I know who would have a porn star fly across the country to spend her birthday with you just to fuck you and then surprise you by bringing her baby.  You totally love this shit you dramatic fuck.

Drama: I can’t wait to tell people about this.

Me: I can’t wait to blog about this.

Both of Us: I love you man.


I make my way over to Porn Star and introduce myself.  She’s very sweet.  She has a lovely, high pitched squeaky voice, and a slight hood rat twang in the way she say, “Hiiiiiiii….nice to meetchu!”  I put my hand out to shake hers and she offers hers with her thumb tucked in, as if I’d take it and kiss it…either that or this is the motion she’s used to from dipping her four fingers into gaping-wide porno pussy.  Aww, how lovely of her.  Without a doubt, she is gorgeous, she is DEFINITELY a porn star, her google images are spot on.  Through Drama’s paper wall dividers, I see her in the bedroom putting on a one-piece cat suit.  Stepping out from behind the wall, Porn Star is wearing an EXTREMELY low-cut, ENTIRELY see-through black lace spandex outfit that dips far down her chest and back, covering just right above her nipples and exposing about five inches of her butt crack (I’m not sure if this was intentional considering her ass was FUCKING GIGANTIC and didn’t fit in her outfit to begin with).  As Drama cuts up lines in the far corner, I wonder if this was how the baby was conceived, on a spur of the moment trip across the country while Porn Star did massive amounts of blow with some industry tycoon before going to the club.  I then wonder what Drama’s babies with her would look like.  Hmm.  Porn star then proceeds to step into her 4-inch stilettos, now standing at an intimidating 6’1.  I am 4’11, Drama is 5’6.  We look like some sort of kinky, coked out lollipop guild next to her.  This is too bizarre for words (I forget what happened to the baby from here, but I’m guessing it was picked up by a babysitter of some sorts.  That or Porn Star gave it sleeping pills to shut the fuck up and behave while we went to the club). 

The club is LITERALLY right downstairs from our building.  So with that said, we quite LITERALLY just have to cross the street and we’re there.  This trek should take no more than 48 seconds, TOPS.  In the 48 seconds it takes for us to walk to the club, six cars full of men stop to scream, gawk, and honk as loudly and absurdly as they can at the sight of Porn Star, all of which taking out their camera phones to take pictures and several of which stop to get out of the car and demand that, “DAMN girl you are tooooooooo FOIN oh ma GAWD where is you GOOOOOOOIN tonight DAAAAAAAAAAMN aaahhh FUCK aaaahh SHIT YEAH” *commence continuous ejaculation sequences with every bounce of Porn Star’s ass and titties*.  This…is basically the rest of my night.

Walking up to the club, men and their respective dicks are now standing at attention as Porn Star makes her way over to the front of the VIP line, Drama and I following close behind.  As the three of us make our way through the crowd, I proceed to get elbowed directly in the face by a man desperate to touch Porn Star, stepped on by another trying to take a picture of her, then further shoved and clawed at by a crowd of men who do manage to get close to her.  Seeing me getting ravaged like a weak, helpless gazelle in a pack of horny hyenas, Drama takes my hand from among the sea of sex-crazed creepers and YAAAAAAAAAANKS me out and as close to him as he can.  “FUCKING KEEP UP!!” he barks at me in a fit of coked out concern.  With his one hand in mine and the other gripped tightly on Porn Star’s ass, Drama leads us ladies in through the pack of wolves and eventually into the club.  Whew.  

Being in the club is completely uneventful regardless of whether or not we have a table and free liquor and champagne.  I decide that I don’t wanna drink for the night because I never do like to mix alcohol and other substances; I’ve seen way too many after-school specials about the dangers of doing so.  Within ten minutes of arriving, Porn Star and I are heading to the bathroom together.  In the stall, she cuts up more lines on the top part of the toilet seat when I ask her if I can instead do one off her ass (it’s fucking gigantic and just ASKING me to do it!  Besides, when am I ever gonna get another opportunity to do coke off a porn star’s ass?).  Without hesitation, Porn Star turns around and bends over the toilet seat as I excitedly extricate a pretty pile of powder onto her bare bum.  Glancing behind at me, she hands me the dollar bill as I roll it up, nod at her appreciatively, and sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiff away!  *Ahh*  I accept this as the most entertainment I can possibly get for the night. 

Back at the table, I peruse through my iPhone out of intensely obnoxious boredom, when I spy a guy through all the legs, tits, and ass across the way doing the same thing.  I first notice that he’s sitting by himself wearing a red cashmere sweater, hugged tightly to his muscular arms, shoulders, and chest.  He has a strong, definitive jawline, bright green eyes, and caramel colored skin with a crew cut.  He’s fucking sexy, buff and built, looks Latino, and for some reason is sitting all by himself.  I watch him through the crowd of cock forming around Porn Star, as, one by one, girls come and sit down next to him and attempt to tempt him out of his seat.  He denies each and every one of them.  I bet he’s one of those guys with a girlfriend who was dragged to the club by his horny single guy friends, only to be left by himself texting her, “Baby I wish you were here!!!  I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU I ONLY WANT YOU!!”  Ugh, those guys are the biggest twat teases everrrrrrrrr and should ALWAYS just stay home! 

As I continue to Facebook stalk on my phone, I catch him glance up at me every so often.  I glance right back.  After about ten minutes of us sitting grounded, glancing, and going back to our phones, I finally catch his eye and stick my tongue out at him.  TAKE THAT!  He blushes, giggles, and puts his head back down.  Oh yeah….I GOT HIM.  I giggle to myself as well and return to my phone.  Looking back up, our eyes meet again, and this time he slightly smirks and sighs.  I point to Drama and Porn Star and shrug.  He looks at me questioningly.  I shake my head and roll my eyes.  He laughs.  I smile back endearingly.  Jesus Christ he is genuinely a BEAUTIFUL man.  He looks like a strange erotically appropriate mix of Drake and Channing Tatum.  Like if Drake and Channing Tatum were to butt-fuck and somehow, by the sympathetic grace of God, conceive a love child, HE WOULD BE IT.  FUCKING…YUM.  Because I had just witnessed him turn down about 6 girls in a row, I decide I won’t go over there just yet.  Instead, I snuggle up next to Drama and ask him if it’s in the bag for him fucking Porn Star for the night.  He confirms that he is. 

About a half hour before closing time now, I have been shoved completely out of my seat and have been forced to stand due to the amount of men somehow now seated at our table and groping Porn Star.  Looking back over at the sexy Drake and Channing Tatum love child, he catches my eye and pats down an empty space next to him.  Hehehehehehehehheee!  SCORE.  Making sure to not give in too easily, I glance around, pretending to look for another BETTER seat, shrug, and sit down next to him.  With no space for space between us, our shoulders, arms, and legs are instantly touching and pressed tightly against one another.  Upon realizing this, we both stare at each other in silence, begin blushing, and commence little-girl giggles.  Oh…it’s on…

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