May 2013
3 posts
upperclassconspiracy asked: I don't even know you and I want to do lines off of you lol
30 tags
The Great Turns 21 (Cue Strippers, Coke & Vomit),...
In Vegas, The Great was only 20 and I must say the boy drunk did not suffice as an underage boy being able to get drunk in Vegas. He merely giggled and smiled more than usual.
Not good enough in my book!
A week later, The Great is finally turning 21 and inadvertently invites me to his festivities: The Great: *nonchallantly with no emotion while frying vegan bacon in the kitchen at work* Hey,...
30 tags
My Va-Jay Jay Exchange
Boss Man wants me to recruit people to sell our products for an upcoming launch. He says to me in our meeting, “Use whatEVER means, necessary. You gotta talk to these guys like they’re a buncha horny idiot frat brothers…you catch my drift?” I linger for a second with my default look of confusion, staring at him in complete disbelieve as I’m not sure if he’s...
April 2013
4 posts
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My Night at The AVN Awards (aka The Oscars for...
Finally arriving inside The Joint of the Hardrock Hotel & Casino, I see a sea of beautiful, half-naked women giddily giggling and fondling each other “Hello.” My heart melts as I finally realize my childhood dreams are now coming true: I am amidst hundreds of porn stars. G.I. Dumb immediately splits to go find Spartacus, the main porn star we work with at the Porno Cave, who also...
lolivier asked: This is one of the most interesting things I've read in weeks! Good show, old chap!
28 tags
My Night at The AVN Awards (aka The Oscars for...
In the bathroom, Lube zips up my TOIT, black XXS spandex Bebe dress, as I tuck my right hand under my left tit, and then my left hand under my right to perk these babies UP.
“Oh MYYY! You look absolutely BEAUTIFUL! You could be a porn star!” I hear Lube say from behind me, his sincerity and boner both evident in his statement. Lube sits next to me all day err day at work. He knows...
My Night at The AVN Awards (aka The Oscars for...
We finally arrive in Vegas after a 6-hour car ride of G.I. Dumb cockily discussing and instructing The Great to, “Oooh! Lemme tell you about Vegas HA! You’re gonna have a hard time havin fun kid! It’s definitely not the place if you’re underage!” Nothing pisses me off more than dumb ass mother fuckers talking with Big Dick Swag when they can’t even compete...
March 2013
1 post
My Night at The AVN Awards (aka The Oscars for...
Some little girls dream of one day being a smiling, doting, filthy rich pop star who sucks industry dick behind the scenes to further her “career” as the artist of which she (and somehow the rest of America) considers herself to be. Others dream of finding and marrying (and reproducing the seed of) her ideal prince charming, equipped with a beige mini van and Mercury, lifetime supply...
January 2013
1 post
Anonymous asked: Hi. Nice blog. I get the sense that you typically fuck guys who fuck a lot of girls. Do players tend to have big cocks? I ask because I am in the process of becoming a player. I'm gradually having sex with more and more girls. I don't have a big cock. It's 5.5 inches long but thinner than average. Haha, I actually have to rock "snugger fit" condoms. Cute? Anyway, most of...
December 2012
5 posts
The Beginning of the End of My Whore Days
This whole blog started because I fucked my next-door neighbor, M&M…and then got my heart fucked in the process.
It started from the pain, anguish, and poor coping skills that ensued from having been let down by this Adonis of a man that I revered as Mr. Perfect, Mr. Right, Mr. Only One For Me.
So goes heartache I guess.
I once heard that having your heart broken simply means that...
justcallher asked: you are sensational, indeed. ^_^
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Backshots From The Bartender, Part III
While I don’t like having to put out by forced means, you bet your ass I am ALWAYS willing to put out for the sake of my friends getting laid.
It’s called being a proper wing man…and I play the role to a science.
I approach the bouncer at the door to Avalon and he looks impressed and intrigued.
I’m sure he thinks he’s in for a double BJ at this point considering Angel is bringing in...
21 tags
The Nose-Picking Pickup
When turning off my exit to go to work this morning, I see in the corner of my eye a guy in a black Range Rover flagging me down.
FUCK!
Is that my boss? Did he just see me picking my nose?
FUCK!
I’m almost too embarrassed to turn around and confirm that it is.
Much to my dismay, however, my window is slightly cracked and at the stop light, I hear the driver say, “Hey! How are ya?”
I look...
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How To Make a Porn Star Blush
Today, my favorite male porn star came into the office. My co-worker who works directly with him has been telling him for weeks now about how one of the girls at the office has a huge crush on him…and is desperate to fuck his dick off.
True on both accounts.
I hadn’t showered since partying with Persians last night and having smoked weed out of an apple with a 90-year-old man at the...
Anonymous asked: First of all, love your blog! My question is about the "magic number", i.e., the number of sex partners. I think that, along with the double standard, would be a great topic for a blog entry. I am curious about how you views and your number. Care to share how many guys you've banged? Not sure if I am like most guys but, although my number is very low, I am most...
November 2012
14 posts
24 tags
RU That Guy Who Keeps Sending Me Pictures of His...
There’s only two things that make me drive lightening fast through the rain in California: the overwhelming, unbearable need to pee my pants and soak the shit out of my black, cloth car seats…
AND
Making it to the bar in time to watch a Rutgers football game.
Tonight was the Big East Championship Title Game between Rutgers and Louisville.
There I was out of work at 7 on the dot...
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Backshots From The Bartender, Part II
Frankly, I don’t like confining my Friday night fucks to somebody I’d been done did.
I already slept with The Bartender…why in the hell would I go home with him again?
I WOULDN’T.
Especially since it was bad (again I can’t state why because I refuse to shame him publicly…he already knows why anyway).
Besides I’m more-so interested in getting Angel laid...
Anonymous asked: Anonymous since perhaps you will know me, but need help. So you seem to be very experienced in the art of sex. As someone who is not, can you help me out. I am a man.. consider me the 40 Year Old Virgin.. only 30 which is just as bad. Not quite a virgin, but hopelessly inexperienced. Starting again is the hardest thing to do this late in the game, especially since I actually like the girl. ...
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Backshots from The Bartender, Part I
When it comes to hosting wild, crazy, single-girl debauchery, I pride myself on being your go-to-girl…
But when it comes to putting my vaginal morals and commitments on the line in light of aforementioned hosting…well that’s where shit gets complicated.
My sister’s still in town for the week and, by the grace of God, so is Rusko and just about every other amazingly...
Pilipina Porn Star
I recently wrote about how some people would compare me to Lily Thai in college due to the lack of famous filipinas and filipina porn stars.
Then I discovered Charmane Star, courtesy of my boss.
Of fucking course her name is Charmane Star…most Filipinos will be able to appreciate what I’m saying.
I am very proud to say that I now know of one more famous filipina/filipina porn star.
...
senorspacely asked: Love your blog, mind if follow?
30 tags
Helping You Understand How I Got To Be So Whorish...
December 1st, 2011:
It’s Thursday night and I’ve just agreed to go out to drinks with my tall, tanned, super jacked, sexy, sultry, next-door-neighbor who I’ve been hearing have awful sex EVERY Thursday night for the past three weeks.
So technically tonight he should be waking me up with his awful fucking noises.
Instead, he’s going out with me.
YAHTZEE!!
I told him I just got off work...
Porn and My Parents
I digress for a bit from the nonsensical adventures of my single sex life to discuss a very telling and honest issue with which I am currently faced.
Since leaving the field of therapy and instead embarking into the world of sex, sales, and pornography, I’ve had trouble keeping myself on task in regards to my own self care.
Translation?
Instead of having therapists as co-workers who help keep...
30 tags
Anal Sex: Butt, Why Not?
Yesterday I met up with Persian Princess for the first time since she got married in September.
Woe to the hazards of living a county away from one another in California.
Having not really taken time to talk since we graduated in May, I updated her on my life by making sure to fully fill her in on how I’ve been getting filled in lately.
A half hour to closing at the Starbucks in Irvine:
...
Anonymous asked: Is there still money in porn these days?
30 tags
Sex and The Sandy
After seeing the destruction and devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy, I immediately booked a ticket to head back to the Jersey Shore.
And I thought I did a number back there.
Shiiiiiiiiit.
Last time I was in Jersey, I didn’t have enough time to fuck everybody (or ANYBODY!) on my “Never Got a Chance To” list.
You know…that list you compile after going back through the...
The Squirting Orgasm
I’ve been writing about squirting orgasms for the past two weeks straight at work.
Furthermore, I’ve been writing about how they’re the GREATEST THING EVERRRRRR and EVERY GUY needs to learn how to give a girl one if they wanna be crowned King of The Cunt.
I have no idea if this is true.
I’ve never had one.
Nor do I want to!
I’ll never forget the first porno I saw...
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Three's Cum-pany, The Epilogue
I woke up this morning next to Drummer…naked…AGAIN.
I can’t help but roll my eyes at myself and my apparent inability to stand up to my vagina.
This damn thing.
I don’t even bother to wake him up.
I jump out of bed, hop back into my leather pants, and tuck my panties into my purse to beeline for the door.
Downstairs, my sister is already wide awake sitting indian-style...
October 2012
8 posts
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Finding Yourself Through Fucking →
My sex column finally launched!
It’s about all the self discoveries I make from being a slutty Hollywood whore.
Enjoy.
To Catch a Predator
Co-worker: *excited voice on a super emo melancholy Indian boy* Look look!!! I found a back massager!
Me: *not even turning around to look* You didn't find a back massager you just put a vibrator inside a piece of styrofoam.
Co-worker: Holy shit...how did you know?
Me: *listening to the loud humming behind me* Because we have too many un-used sex toys laying around and way too much styrofoam that's not in the garbage.
Co-worker: *giddy and gleeful* Oh my God he hates it! Haha look he keeps running away! *chasing his 8-month-old Husky Edword behind me with the vibrator*
Me: *now turning around* Dude...what the fuck are you doing?
Co-worker: *still chasing his Edword* I'm trying to massage his balls with it.
Me: What the fuck?! That's sexual assault! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!
Co-worker: No! He's gonna like it! Who wouldn't like a vibrator on their balls?!
Me: Animals and small children...and obviously Edword.
Co-worker: Come here *now holding Edword down* ...come feel his balls!
Me: *shocked and appalled regardless of how much I love having a set of nuts in my hands* UMM NO YOU SICK FUCK!!!!! THAT'S SEXUAL MOLESTATION!!!
Co-worker: No! He's MY dog! It's not bad if I'm his father!
Me: ...said the man convicted of raping his 8-year-old son.
Three's Cum-pany, Part III
Drummer and my sister have finally stopped their THREESOME chant.
And only because we’re now in Izzy’s for a drunken binge.
As soon as we sit down, I immediately feel the vomit bubbling up into my throat.
Excusing myself ever-so gracefully, I fall out of the booth and scramble to my feet.
They don’t notice.
Now dusting myself off, I stumble in my leather pants and gold...
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Three's Cum-pany, Part II
I once asked my sister what her ultimate sexual fantasy was…
Her answer?
To fall in LOVE!…and get MARRIED!…and HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!
While I refer to my lady bits as, “MY PUSSY” and “MY CUNT”…she’ll refer to hers as, “MY NO-NO SPOT!” and “MY SACRED TEMPLE!”
Suffice it to say, she is very endearingly opposite from me...
30 tags
My Sex Invasions
Since starting this blog, I’ve had several people comment on their random, insidious thoughts of me during their own personal penetrative playtime.
Awkward.
Yet touching!
So I’ve decided to compile a list of quotes based on the latter:
1. So I fucked some stranger in the bathroom the other night while I was wasted and I IMMEDIATELY thought I WISH JAYLA WAS HERE!
2. There we were...
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Three's Cum-pany, Part I
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a THIRD mother fuckin time…well…
Shame just obviously isn’t serving its rightful purpose at this point.
Fuck man…I already terminated with my therapist a WEEK AGO.
Why, you ask?
Well because my super self-righteous ass was convinced that I finally had my SHIT TOGETHER and was confident that I could COMPLETELY manage on my own.
...
30 tags
Fucking Around at Work
Co-worker: So...the bosses are out...what should we do?
Me: We should fuck.
Co-worker: YES. Where?
Me: In the bathroom.
Co-worker: Nobody's here you idiot we don't have to HIDE.
Me: Well I'm on my period and it's easier to clean up in the bathroom.
Co-worker: Well I like to scoop up the red tide after...it's gonna be in my belly regardless.
Me: .......you fucking disgust me. No wonder you don't get laid.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Fuck Each Other, The...
It’s 10 o’clock in the morning.
Drummer and I didn’t stop fucking until 9.
Why am I awake right now?
Oh yeah.
Cuz I’m the asshole who likes to WAKE UP WITH THE SUN and make sure my curtains and blinds are NEVER EVER CLOSED!
I’m not happy with myself right now.
Not to mention my jaw is killing me from that Molly…
Fuck. I’m also naked.
And...
September 2012
7 posts
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Friends Don't Let Friends Fuck Each Other, Part II
Don’t ask me how I ended up half-naked in my bed with Drummer at this point…because I promise you I had every intention of making him sleep on the couch…
REALLY!
I did…
Ugh…whatever.
WARNING: EXTREMELY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT CONTAINED HEREAFTER. ALL FAMILY MEMBERS OF MINE KINDLY REFRAIN FROM READING BEYOND THIS POINT. SERIOUSLY…DON’T FUCKING READ...
30 tags
Cream, Cum, and Wax
Today I stumbled upon Caramel Cream Roobis tea at work…
I Caramel Creamed myself at such a remarkable discovery.
This is the most action I’ve gotten all week.
Wait…
No.
I also got a Brazilian this morning.
YAHTZEE!!
29 tags
Hard At Work
Co-worker: Why don't you take your pants off or something? God just let loose already...
Me: No, if I take off my pants you'll end up cumming all over yourself from what you see...I wouldn't want you to get embarrassed.
Co-worker: I came on myself twice already today. It wouldn't be anything new.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Fuck Each Other, Part I
I don’t fuck my friends.
If you’re a guy friend of mine, I won’t fuck you, I won’t suck you, and I sure as hell will never even consider doing so either.
In fact, I won’t become friends with a guy if there is even the slightest hint of a sexual attraction there!
Or so I say.
So last week…
Drummer and I both admitted that we held back.
We both admitted to...
30 tags
Fifty Shades of My Fantasy, The Finale
With my dress still hiked up over my waist and my bare ass in the air, I ponder how the fuck I’m gonna get out of this one, as Fifty carries me over his shoulder to his bedroom.
Our entire date thus far has consisted of him depicting a highly controlled, feverishly angry beast under a façade of primp and proper politeness.
But I’m not fucking stupid.
I ask him about how he lost his job… ...
30 tags
Anonymous asked: I can't understand how acting like a coke slut is supposed to be funny
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Anatomy of a Breakup, Part II
Text: Drummer…is this you?
I almost can’t fucking believe it…but to be honest I find myself to be very well versed in the art of The Secret and the universe and attracting all things I want and need in a given instant…!
Oh yeah, I went there.
I mean it makes sense…I’d been ruminating over our breakup all day and further embellishing in his memory all night.
...
August 2012
8 posts
30 tags
Helping You Understand How I Got To Be So Whorish...
“So let me get this straight: Your next door neighbor…the guy you’ve been HEARING having GOD AWFUL SEX…is hot? And…you TOLD HIM that it sounds awful? God, Jay, you really are a crazy bitch…”
I can always count on Mirage to keep shit FUCKIN REAL. And to be honest…I guess I’d have to be crazy AND a bitch to even CONSIDER fucking my next door...
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Anonymous asked: where is your vagina
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libertariannave asked: ROFL, you're hilarious and a great writer, keep it up :-)
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Anatomy of a Breakup, Part I
“So….what ever DID happen to Drummer…?”
Mirage’s words ring through my ears like a sounding gong at the beginning of a sumo wrestling match, only the competitors in this arena aren’t two overweight, free-ballin, big-bellied Japanese bun-rockers, they’re my incessant need to be honest and truthful with my friends versus my already-bruised-enough ego.
...
30 tags
The End of an Era
Moved out of my apartment today…
I moved out of my first apartment on my own, my first taste of residential independence, my first taste of being truly ALONE.
I completely lost sight of and finally found myself in it.
The carpets will forever be stained with sweat, tears, and glitter.
The walls will forever hold the secrets and back-stories to who I was behind all the booze and bad...
30 tags
Fucking Overload
Apologies for the haitus…
I’ve been completely overworked and surprisingly over-fucked lately =) Will catch up on my nonsensical non-fucking moments soon!
30 tags
Anonymous asked: will you show me your vagina ?